Uni life

I've been in such a bad mood today, it's no one's fault and no one can really help but I just feel really shitty. Uni's okay but I'm so bored all the time. I know home would be exactly the same but it feels so much more boring here. All I seem to do is either go to my lectures and seminars or stay in my room and do nothing. I feel bad all the time and the less I do, the less I want to do which makes me feel worse but I have no idea how I can make this any better. Tired all the time, feel upset all the time, I'm so worried that this will affect our relationship because the last thing we need is both him and me feeling shit. I don't know how I feel about university any more. I know it's an amazing experience etc. but I'm not happy. I can't leave because I'll miss out on so much, I'll fuck up my future, I'll never see him and I'll just be a general failure. I think it might be because I've never had to be away from my family and my proper friends for such a long time. It's so weird not having my mum make me a cup of tea in the morning, or moan at me for not eating breakfast. All I get is a short conversation over text. I miss everyone and I miss him more than anything. Leaving him is so hard that I cry like a baby every time I get on the coach home and then feel even worse for days after. There's no way to make it better. I either man up and deal with it, or it gets on top of me.

I really hope I start feeling better. Seeing as I never feel happy, I never have the motivation to do my work which upsets me more. I really hope this picks up. Feel like on the verge of tears all the time...

What a boring day...

Today's been such an enormously boring day. Because me and the boyf stayed up talking until about 4 am this morning, I stayed in bed until 2pm which was rather awesome. By then I felt like I should get up so I had some sort of a day, not that I did much with it anyway. I finally found some kind of motivation earlier tonight and actually started on some work. I spent ages making a plan for one of my essays until YouTube and funny videos of News Reporters fucking up distracted me and well... I've been doing that ever since. He's completely sure that I'm going to leave Uni with a first but I think in order for that to happen, I'm going to need to disconnect YouTube and Facebook. I'm way too easily distracted!!

In other news, I cannot wait for this weekend. I get to see my gorgeous boyfriend again and Friday's going to be amazing seeing as it's our anniversary. Apparently he's planned a load of stuff for us but won't tell me a thing and it's literally driving me crazy. I'm so impatient with surprises and I've got a whole week to find out what's going on! Not good! He also said he's got me some sort of present and I felt so bad that I have no money to buy him anything but he really wanted a picture of the both of us drawn by me. Now that really has driven me crazy! It started out with him looking a little bit feminine but now it's more Justin Bieber-ish. Not toooo bad but I still look borderline insane. At least I've got a whole week before it needs to be done. I'm sure I'll get it looking slightly like us in time. No promises :) I've also been spending ages making his Christmas present. 2 months ago I had this amazing idea of something to make him because I thought it was going to be so cheap and I have no money to spend on food, let alone Christmas but this bloody project has turned into the most expensive present I've ever bought for someone!! By the time I realised how much it was going to be, it was halfway done so I couldn't bail but I know that he's completely worth it and I really hope he appreciates it. There are some bits that I love and are really proud off but others are annoying me I have to skip the page so I don't rip it out! Again, I really want to know what he's getting me for Christmas! I'm so bad with everything like this. 

Because we're both going to our mums for Christmas this year, we've decided to see each other for a week before, right after I finish Uni. He told me that him, his mum and his dad have all helped plan it to be special so I'm really looking forward to spending time with him. Cannot wait for Christmas!! 

In other news, not relating to him for once, I've seriously fucked up my back :( Was bending down to get something out of the freezer and when I stood up, I had this sharp pain all across the bottom of my back and then the whole way up my spine. It actually winded me. That was this morning and it hurts every time I sit down, or stand up. Why does this always happen to me?! 

Better go now seeing as its 3.10am! Up at 10 because he's off to the Job Centre and we always get up together. Optimum time talking :P That and I've got a lot of work I promised him I'd finish by tomorrow and then I get a special treat which I'm rather excited about. Makes the work worth it :P So tomorrows plan will be:

- Wake up 

- Shower-

- Tidy room 

- Work

But I can almost guarantee it'll be more like:

- Wake up

- Fall back asleep

- Sleep 

- Sleep

- Rush shower/work

- Forget room

Oh well :) Toodles xx

P.S - I love you <3 xx

So many emotions

I'm so angry right now its hard to put it into words. Something so small has been ruined so magnificently and I'm sick of it all. I always though I had a pretty decent friendship with my ex boyfriend. We would chat every now and then about random, crap stuff and that would be the end of it. My new boyfriend however doesn't see it like this and I can honestly say that since I've been with him, I can now see how inappropriate the conversation is from his end. If you've broken up with someone, you don't then wink in every sentence do you? Or if the other person is now in a relationship, ask when they last "Got some" was. The boy is a dick head and I'm sick of his shit. I've even spoken to him about it! Understandably, my boyfriend wanted him deleted off of Facebook but this guy has been a friend a long time before he turned into a boyfriend, I work with him and his friends are my friends etc. so there were consequences that my boyfriend understood. We tried a compromise, I would have a very stern talk with him about stopping all of this, and he didn't need to be deleted and it appeared to work, until tonight. I don't see the point of writing a wink in every other sentence. It doesn't make sense, it makes him look like more of a twat than he already is and he knows that it pisses me off. My poor boyfriend saw this and went crazy, I have nothing to say other than I'm sorry. He's gone. His Facebook's gone. His numbers gone. Everything. I gave him that chance and he blew it and now that's it. I will not have him ruining my relationship for his shits and giggles. Like the crappy girlfriend I am, I fell asleep texting my boyfriend tonight and this all happened after I had gone. I wish I could have been awake to calm him down and make him feel better but instead I was asleep. I wake up to texts with no 'x's which means he's really pissed off at me, which has caused me to cry for the last half an hour straight and his blog says how angry he is. I feel horrible, like such a failure of a girlfriend. I tried calling him but its almost 4am so obviously he's not awake. What more can I do? This is all my fault because I was too much of a wimp to delete the twat and now everything has blown up and my boyfriend who I love more than anything or anyone in my life, is really angry at me. There is no way in hell that my ex is ruining my relationship any more than he already has. When I found the texts etc. I deleted him in a heartbeat. I felt so angry that he's forced it like this and the worst part is, I know they would both get on so well with each other if they met. So alike in the things they enjoy but that will never happen and I don't blame my boyfriend for a minute.

Baby, I'm so so sorry and if id known that this was to come, deleting him would never have been an issue. He's gone and I guarantee he will never come back. I feel like shit and I just hope that youre not too angry with me. He's my past. A dirty black smudge in my past and you're my present and my future. Don't let this get in the way of our plans. I love you and I'm so sorry I made you feel this way. 

I cant sleep now. I know I'm going to be up all night, just waiting for my boyfriend to wake up. I hate this, knowing that it's all my fault. I'm shit...

Catch-Up

I've finally got my new blog instead of that stupid diary that I keep forgetting about. It's just sitting on my shelf looking all sad and lonely but I'm not giving in. It was a bad idea from the beginning. Blogs are much better, hopefully I'll remember to write on this a lot more. No promises. 

So I should fill you in on what's been going on lately. Its a biggie seeing as so much has happened. Spent a whole week with my amazing boyfriend. He's so sweet and caring and I finally managed to introduce him to my parents. It felt amazing to know that everyone really liked him and thought he was perfect for me. It makes everything we've gone through worth it just to get to this moment with him. I love everything about him, even down to the way he takes bad news and Jesus Christ did I lay some potentially explosive news on him. He acts so unlike a normal 21 year old and I love that. He's so special, and completely perfect for me. I LOVE HIM! Ill stop being sappy because almost every one of these blogs is going to feature him quite heavily. 

I've had to make a list of all the things I wanted to say in this one but I think its going to make it so long so I may have to miss some things out. Again, he's been so so so sweet by deleting all his blogs but the current one. He had written a lot about an ex-girlfriend that wasn't the nicest of people but he was more than happy, and even suggested deleting the old blogs that make us remember. I don't think he understands how much stuff like that means to me. She caused such a rift and this all just shows how far into the past she is. Nothing at all is going to fuck us up this time. Already talking about baby names and decorations for our house (his house at the moment). It made me smile so much when he said about spending the money he would get for Christmas on stuff to make the house more ours. We spoke about redecorating the living room ourselves, new wallpaper and painting it. He'll do the hard work and ill "supervise". He just doesn't know it yet :D 

I can't wait to go and see him for Christmas!! Because we both go to our mums for it, we cant spend Christmas Day together so we've decided that the week before, I'm going to his and we're going to have our own full dinner and presents then. Our own little Christmas without any of the family arguments that come in normal ones. I've spent so long making his present and I would tell you all about it but I know that very soon, he'll read this and will know. Not that stupid. I will say that its taken me about 3 months, cost a fuck-load more than I though it would and he's going to LOVE IT! :D Well I hope so anyway. I'm stuck at a bit at the moment and it's pissing me off so much. I need his help but can't ask because it will totally give away an enormous part of it. Eurgh! 

I think a big part of this blog should be about Uni but I can't be bothered to write about it now. I think it's enough for the first one.