Long one!

This is going to be quite a big one seeing as there's been so much going on and I haven't done this for such a long time. It's going to be about Christmas, New Year,  Uni and of course, the boyfriend! :)

You all knew I was having a shit time at uni before Christmas and was so looking forward to going home. Seeing as I finished my essay a few days early, I managed to get dad to pick me up on the Weds, not the Friday which was really nice. At least I didn’t have to wait around doing nothing. Being at home was so nice but seeing as he was at home as well, there seemed to be so much distance between us which was so so bad. It made it seem much harder because we both knew that we couldn’t see each other for quite a while. We did speak about him coming to me for New Year’s Eve but he kept saying about how it’s normally a family event and he’s never missed one without getting a kiss from his mum. It felt horrible but I completely understood. Christmas was lovely, so good seeing all the family again but I knew I had to leave them again soon and uni seemed so ominous L In the end, he did come down for New Year’s Eve which was amazing!! I absolutely loved having him with me for such a long time, it made me so happy. I went up to London on the train to pick him up and as I was walking down the road to the Bus Station I got a text saying “I see you, I love your bag” from my gorgeous boyfriend and it felt so amazing to know that in only seconds, id have him back in my arms.

Although it was lovely to be able to stay with him, he was really ill and his cough sounded so bad. Bad enough that his mum was really worried about him and my mum even had to book him a Doctor’s appointment!! Poor guy had a chest infection and a sprained muscle in his side but it felt better knowing what was wrong. A week’s worth of anti-biotics and he’s as right as rain.

I was really worried that he would feel really awkward while I was at work on the last Saturday, it really didn’t help that I totally forgot my phone and he was joking that I was a cheat before. All day at work I was upset that I couldn’t text him on my break to make sure he was okay, and pissed off that he thought that. Halfway through I pulled myself together and thought that it was ridiculous that I was getting pissed off over a stupid joke but I’m like that. Stuff like that really gets to me. I’m an idiot really J but there was nothing to worry about. I finished work and expected him and my mum to be in the car but when I jumped in, he and my dad were laughing!! I couldn’t help but smile to myself for the fact that they seemed to be getting on. I loved it.

Another thing that made me know that I want to stay with him forever was the fact that whenever he went to make us tea, he would let my dogs out. I know that no one would understand this but it just showed that he cared about something to special to me. I never once asked him to let them into the garden but somehow he just knew. I know it sounds really weird but it meant more to me than anything else he could have done.

New Year’s was nice, I had a couple of friends round and we literally just sat round drinking and chatting. I was a bit apprehensive that again he’s find it awkward but after I force fed him shots, he joined in and everything was perfect. It always is with him. It felt so right to have him with me, to see him every time I walked into a room. Was really amazing.

Back to uni now and it made it so much easier to come back with him. I was totally dreading it but knowing I had him there to ease me back into it was really good. We really got comfortable being around each other but it felt a bit weird because we’d spent quite a bit time apart so the beginning of the week we were so romantic and loving and by the end of it, it got a bit less. Nothing to complain about but noticeable I think. Maybe it’s me being sensitive again!

Finally he had to leave for work which was really sad. Having to go back to my room and not seeing his smiling face sitting on the bed was horrible. I even got 2 mugs out the day after!! It’s horrible not having him here but we’ve sorted out when we see each other next. See you on the 1^st sweetie :D

And finally today. It’s safe to say that today has been one of the worst of my life. My ex texted me yesterday. Nothing shocking just “Hi how are you?” but I knew straight away that I should tell my boyfriend. He was totally fine with it and that was that but last night I was wondering if he had written anything about me blocking him from Facebook so I unblocked him quickly to have a snoop. Bloody Facebook doesn’t let you re-block someone for another 48 hours so I immediately regretted it and knew I would do it again as soon as possible. I also didn’t tell my boyfriend seeing as I didn’t think it was a big deal at all. If it had gone how I wanted it to, he would have been re-blocked within minutes but I couldn’t so he wasn’t. I went to bed not thinking any more of it but today I woke up to 1 text from my boyfriend and then nothing for hours. I got a bit worried seeing as he wasn’t texting me back and I didn’t realise anything was wrong but when he finally did text me back I got the full brunt of it. He went on my Facebook last night to see if the ex had written anything and obviously saw he had been unblocked and instead of asking  me about it, he stayed pissed off and spent a whole night and morning annoyed at me. I now completely understand that I should have told him about the unblocking but I can’t comprehend why he would rather stay pissed off than ask me. It upset me more than anything. He said that he had so many doubts in our relationship and I’ve got tears in my eyes even now talking about it. I know I can be a pretty crappy girlfriend sometimes but I love him more than anything in my life. It makes it worth living. When he said that, I had to rush to the bathroom and honestly, I was so violently sick that I thought I was going to pass out. Thinking about him breaking up with me makes me stop breathing. I hope we’ve worked everything out and I can promise beyond my life that I will never cause this to happen again. He seemed so set on breaking up and it broke my heart. I’m so sorry. I love you more than anything and I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I miss you so much.

So that’s it pretty much. I don’t blame you if you don’t read the whole thing. It’s so bloody long!!

New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Diet! (On everyone’s list)

2. Pay more attention at uni.

3. Keep stuff tidy!

4. Be a better girlfriend.

<3  <3  <3 

Playing catch-up

It's been ages since I wrote anything on here, mainly for the fact I totally forgot but it means that instead of a load of shit, ill actually have something to write about worth reading.

Firstly, uni hasn't been too bad, still feel a bit shitty now and then but going to see my boyfriend for the last 2 weekends has really helped to take my mind off it (even if I did start crying at his) that and the fact I get to go home for Christmas in a few days which I am so so excited about. Mums been texting me for weeks telling me how much she cant wait for me to come home so I'm totally buzzing :) not loving the fact I'll be so much further away from him but we aren't going to see each other over the Christmas period anyway seeing as he's going to his mums, I'm going home and we don't have any free time but I cant wait to see him next. Sure it'll be as amazing as it always is. I'm in a really good mood at the moment just because I've finished this bloody essay. 2000 words on was the decline of religious belief in the western world inevitable... who cares? Its been so boring but I'm quite proud I managed to get it done in only 1 day. I know its all shit tho. Not looking forward to getting that one back :s

In other news, me and my boyfriend had our Christmas this weekend as we're not going to see each other for a while. He cooked me this really yummy Christmas dinner and we wore our hats from the Christmas crackers and it was really nice. It felt like such a normal coupley thing to do which I loved because I always worry about us living so far away. I've spent months making him this photo album type thing of both of us and I was really impressed with it but as he was going through it, it looked shit and I got really disappointed. Really felt like I'd let him down on the present front seeing as he bought me this gorgeous Pandora charm in the shape of an envelope with "To my love" of the front. He told me that its the most expensive gift he's bought and my present looked so shit compared to his. He said he liked it but I'm not convinced. Have to do better next time. He was at work Saturday so I spent the time with his dad and his dads family. Me and one of the kids made some cakes and then she asked me to help her put up their Christmas tree which was really nice. His dad also said that I felt like one of the family already and that he had high hopes for us which made me so happy. I'm glad they like me because I want to be a part of their family forever.

I think that's it pretty much, ill try to remember sooner next time. Bye :)

I feel like SHIT

I don't want to be here at all any more. I don't think that uni's for me, I can't get into it. Everyday feels like a drag and I'm upset all the time. I know this isn't usual homesickness, I just don't want to be here. Obviously I miss my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. I don't feel like the people here will ever be as good of friends than my ones at home and I hate feeling like this. I shouldn't have to wake up every morning feeling like I'm going to cry, looking forward to going home or going to see him because I don't want to be here. I want to leave. I've had my experience and now I'm done. All I can think about is what it would be like if I left and getting a job and working is so much more appealing than this. The distance from my family isn't the problem. I've never been the type of person to get really homesick but this isn't right. I'm not comfortable any more. I feel like every one around me is better friends with each other and it makes me feel so out of place. The course isn't interesting, it's a drag and I can't find the motivation to get out of bed in the morning to go to shit lectures about stuff I'm not interested in. Uni is so lonely. You're either at a lecture or sitting in your room alone and I'm not that kind of person. Having no money isn't helping what-so-ever either. Even if I wanted to do something, I can't and that forces me to stay on my own. I want to leave, I can't wait to leave. Leicester isn't my home and I want to go home. I want my room, I want to see my mum everyday, I want those ridiculous arguments with my brother and I want to be happy and I don't think I've been happy here in a very long time. The one and only reason I want to stay here is I'm closer to him. This is horrible. I hate everything here. Just want to cry all the time.  

The best weekend

I've had such an amazing weekend :) all down to my gorgeous boyfriend being so so sweet. It was our (official) 2 month anniversary on Friday so I definitely wanted to go and see him. The coach ride to him wasn't too bad. There was an enormous crash on the motorway that caused so much traffic but thankfully, we were just before so it wasn't too bad, I was really behind time at one point but the drivers got it back and we ended up getting to him early. He wasn't even there yet! It was so good seeing him, makes me remember how much I missed and love him. I couldn't wait to get back to his, for the last 2 weeks-ish he's being telling me about this amazing surprise that he had planned. He spent so much time on it and it was really stressing him out at one point but it was amazing and I love him for it so much. As soon as we walked in, he gave me this note that said that we were playing a game. While he cooked the dinner, I was on a treasure hunt around the house to find my anniversary present. There were lots of little pink post-it-notes everywhere and it looked so amazing. He must have spent so much time deciding where they were going to go. The first few were in his front room and I got a voucher for a free foot rub! Woo! :) Then I had to go into the kitchen with a free kiss. There was a package on the table but that was from his nan, not done yet. He then sent me upstairs and it ended in the bedroom. As I walked in, there were rose petals all over the bed with my present  in the middle. It looked amazing and I cant believe he took so much time doing it. He's bought me this gorgeous glass photo frame. Its got little 'love's all over it and he put a picture of us in it. I absolutely love it and at the moment, its on my bedside table so its the very first thing I see in the morning. I also got another note :) this one says how much he missed me and how happy he is and every time I read it, I get a lump in my throat. I love him so much :)

The rest of the weekend was equally amazing. He had work on Saturday but his dad made me feel so welcome at his house for the whole time. I had to get on with my essay for uni but everyone was so nice that I pretty much just sat and chatted with everyone. Me and his brother were talking about school and the future and stuff and then when his dad sat down, he was telling me how serious my gorgeous boyfriend is for me. I love that he was telling me stuff that I already knew. His dad told me that he's sure he wants me to move in with him as if that would scare me off but that's so far from the truth. I cant wait :) Me and his dads wife were then chatting about decorating cakes and before I knew it, his dad asked me if I was coming to pick him up from work. I was a little apprehensive that it would be awkward in the car but it wasn't at all. They all really made me feel welcome and it made me feel so happy.

In other news, he's decided that he wants to decorate his house to make it more ours so all weekend we've been on it. Completely decided on the general idea which is good and the first 2 places we're doing are the Living Room and the Bedroom. We went to IKEA on Sunday to have a look around for furniture and furnishings. Although we didn't see much for the house, it felt so good to be shopping with him for stuff like that. We felt like a proper couple looking round the kitchen showrooms and coffee tables. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, decorating our kids rooms etc. Our future together will be absolutely amazing :)

Today we woke up really late. He was meant to have a training thing about something or other but he missed it, id like to think for me :) We went into the nearest town where I was catching my coach home and had a look around for more home stuff but no luck. Found some lovely wallpaper but no paint to match! So frustrating. As soon as I got on the coach, I kept telling myself I cant cry, I cant cry but hey presto, the tears appeared. I'm not sad, I just really hate leaving him even though I know that we're seeing each other in 4 days. Stop being so pathetic!! But anyway, as soon as I was on the coach, he went into Wilkinson and found the perfect wallpaper and the perfect paint!! I was absolutely no help at all, oh well.
I can't wait to help him decorate our house :) its going to be perfect.

This weekend was so amazing that even writing what happened gives me such a lump in my throat. I miss him so much and knowing that when we're together it feels so amazing makes being apart so much harder. I hate feeling empty without him and I just want a hug and a kiss. I love him so much and every second together feels like heaven.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of my perfect life with the perfect guy that made me feel so special and never in my wildest dream did I think I'd ever have that but baby, it's you. The dream guy from my childhood  dreams is you and you've made the happiest girl on the earth. Happy anniversary and I cant wait to spend the rest of my life celebrating them with you. I love you. Mwah x

Uni life

I've been in such a bad mood today, it's no one's fault and no one can really help but I just feel really shitty. Uni's okay but I'm so bored all the time. I know home would be exactly the same but it feels so much more boring here. All I seem to do is either go to my lectures and seminars or stay in my room and do nothing. I feel bad all the time and the less I do, the less I want to do which makes me feel worse but I have no idea how I can make this any better. Tired all the time, feel upset all the time, I'm so worried that this will affect our relationship because the last thing we need is both him and me feeling shit. I don't know how I feel about university any more. I know it's an amazing experience etc. but I'm not happy. I can't leave because I'll miss out on so much, I'll fuck up my future, I'll never see him and I'll just be a general failure. I think it might be because I've never had to be away from my family and my proper friends for such a long time. It's so weird not having my mum make me a cup of tea in the morning, or moan at me for not eating breakfast. All I get is a short conversation over text. I miss everyone and I miss him more than anything. Leaving him is so hard that I cry like a baby every time I get on the coach home and then feel even worse for days after. There's no way to make it better. I either man up and deal with it, or it gets on top of me.

I really hope I start feeling better. Seeing as I never feel happy, I never have the motivation to do my work which upsets me more. I really hope this picks up. Feel like on the verge of tears all the time...

What a boring day...

Today's been such an enormously boring day. Because me and the boyf stayed up talking until about 4 am this morning, I stayed in bed until 2pm which was rather awesome. By then I felt like I should get up so I had some sort of a day, not that I did much with it anyway. I finally found some kind of motivation earlier tonight and actually started on some work. I spent ages making a plan for one of my essays until YouTube and funny videos of News Reporters fucking up distracted me and well... I've been doing that ever since. He's completely sure that I'm going to leave Uni with a first but I think in order for that to happen, I'm going to need to disconnect YouTube and Facebook. I'm way too easily distracted!!

In other news, I cannot wait for this weekend. I get to see my gorgeous boyfriend again and Friday's going to be amazing seeing as it's our anniversary. Apparently he's planned a load of stuff for us but won't tell me a thing and it's literally driving me crazy. I'm so impatient with surprises and I've got a whole week to find out what's going on! Not good! He also said he's got me some sort of present and I felt so bad that I have no money to buy him anything but he really wanted a picture of the both of us drawn by me. Now that really has driven me crazy! It started out with him looking a little bit feminine but now it's more Justin Bieber-ish. Not toooo bad but I still look borderline insane. At least I've got a whole week before it needs to be done. I'm sure I'll get it looking slightly like us in time. No promises :) I've also been spending ages making his Christmas present. 2 months ago I had this amazing idea of something to make him because I thought it was going to be so cheap and I have no money to spend on food, let alone Christmas but this bloody project has turned into the most expensive present I've ever bought for someone!! By the time I realised how much it was going to be, it was halfway done so I couldn't bail but I know that he's completely worth it and I really hope he appreciates it. There are some bits that I love and are really proud off but others are annoying me I have to skip the page so I don't rip it out! Again, I really want to know what he's getting me for Christmas! I'm so bad with everything like this. 

Because we're both going to our mums for Christmas this year, we've decided to see each other for a week before, right after I finish Uni. He told me that him, his mum and his dad have all helped plan it to be special so I'm really looking forward to spending time with him. Cannot wait for Christmas!! 

In other news, not relating to him for once, I've seriously fucked up my back :( Was bending down to get something out of the freezer and when I stood up, I had this sharp pain all across the bottom of my back and then the whole way up my spine. It actually winded me. That was this morning and it hurts every time I sit down, or stand up. Why does this always happen to me?! 

Better go now seeing as its 3.10am! Up at 10 because he's off to the Job Centre and we always get up together. Optimum time talking :P That and I've got a lot of work I promised him I'd finish by tomorrow and then I get a special treat which I'm rather excited about. Makes the work worth it :P So tomorrows plan will be:

- Wake up 

- Shower-

- Tidy room 

- Work

But I can almost guarantee it'll be more like:

- Wake up

- Fall back asleep

- Sleep 

- Sleep

- Rush shower/work

- Forget room

Oh well :) Toodles xx

P.S - I love you <3 xx

So many emotions

I'm so angry right now its hard to put it into words. Something so small has been ruined so magnificently and I'm sick of it all. I always though I had a pretty decent friendship with my ex boyfriend. We would chat every now and then about random, crap stuff and that would be the end of it. My new boyfriend however doesn't see it like this and I can honestly say that since I've been with him, I can now see how inappropriate the conversation is from his end. If you've broken up with someone, you don't then wink in every sentence do you? Or if the other person is now in a relationship, ask when they last "Got some" was. The boy is a dick head and I'm sick of his shit. I've even spoken to him about it! Understandably, my boyfriend wanted him deleted off of Facebook but this guy has been a friend a long time before he turned into a boyfriend, I work with him and his friends are my friends etc. so there were consequences that my boyfriend understood. We tried a compromise, I would have a very stern talk with him about stopping all of this, and he didn't need to be deleted and it appeared to work, until tonight. I don't see the point of writing a wink in every other sentence. It doesn't make sense, it makes him look like more of a twat than he already is and he knows that it pisses me off. My poor boyfriend saw this and went crazy, I have nothing to say other than I'm sorry. He's gone. His Facebook's gone. His numbers gone. Everything. I gave him that chance and he blew it and now that's it. I will not have him ruining my relationship for his shits and giggles. Like the crappy girlfriend I am, I fell asleep texting my boyfriend tonight and this all happened after I had gone. I wish I could have been awake to calm him down and make him feel better but instead I was asleep. I wake up to texts with no 'x's which means he's really pissed off at me, which has caused me to cry for the last half an hour straight and his blog says how angry he is. I feel horrible, like such a failure of a girlfriend. I tried calling him but its almost 4am so obviously he's not awake. What more can I do? This is all my fault because I was too much of a wimp to delete the twat and now everything has blown up and my boyfriend who I love more than anything or anyone in my life, is really angry at me. There is no way in hell that my ex is ruining my relationship any more than he already has. When I found the texts etc. I deleted him in a heartbeat. I felt so angry that he's forced it like this and the worst part is, I know they would both get on so well with each other if they met. So alike in the things they enjoy but that will never happen and I don't blame my boyfriend for a minute.

Baby, I'm so so sorry and if id known that this was to come, deleting him would never have been an issue. He's gone and I guarantee he will never come back. I feel like shit and I just hope that youre not too angry with me. He's my past. A dirty black smudge in my past and you're my present and my future. Don't let this get in the way of our plans. I love you and I'm so sorry I made you feel this way. 

I cant sleep now. I know I'm going to be up all night, just waiting for my boyfriend to wake up. I hate this, knowing that it's all my fault. I'm shit...